Sometimes I’m Wrong. (Most of the Time)

July 25, 2012 § Leave a comment

Before I can tell you about why I want a specific fictional character, I have to tell you about some other things.

There was a boy in my life. Well, technically he is still around. We will call him Harry. Harry Osbourne.

Harry is a great person. He is smart, he is funny, he was incredibly sweet to me, he was always a gentleman, and he liked to snuggle. I thought he was the perfect boy. He seemed to like me too, so Harry and I made plans. Big, huge, life-changing plans. Those plans were exhilarating, nerve-wracking, terrifying–and they fueled my fire. Then life happened, and I learned my very first big girl lesson:

A boy can be the best boy in the world, but that doesn’t mean shit. Loving someone is not enough. 

I have only seriously dated one boy in my entire life (Harry), and I thought that was all I needed. I idolized him, and I think a part of me still does. But that doesn’t really matter. Wanting someone isn’t enough. Some things just don’t fit. People want different things. People can be consumed by their jealousy (me) and trust issues (me) and their ambition (me). I will always regret losing Harry. I am still in love with Harry. But I need to be my first priority. I always thought that was very selfish, but then I also learned another big girl lesson:

That is not a bad thing. Being alone is not a death sentence.

So why am I afraid of this? Why was I so afraid to let a boy be his own person, and trust he would still love me anyway? Why did I fight so hard against nature? If you have to push that hard to make something work, it’s probably not a healthy relationship. (I know this is so cliched, trust me, I’m barfing too.) I’s not fair to me, and it’s definitely not fair to Harry. This is still a hard pill to swallow, which is probably why I’m writing this blog, to convince myself it’s true.

I deserve my Peter. Harry deserves his Mary Jane. I hope he finds her. More importantly, I hope I will not be so weak that I claw her eyeballs out if I ever meet her.

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