I Think I Will Be a Terrible Mother

August 27, 2012 § Leave a comment

Today I was making mac and cheese, and since I am so thoughtful and wise, I took some time to reflect. I thought about how I much I loved to eat M&C when I was a kid, and how my mom barely ever let me, because it was bad for me. That triggered more memories of all sorts of delicious food she never bought, because they’re essentially toxins for your body: fruit roll-ups, Pop Tarts, chocolatey cereal, Lunchables, etc. I’m sure I bitched and moaned and she constantly fought with me, protecting me from the all the garbage in the world, and that I was super ungrateful and annoying to be around. Thinking about this filled me with love and affection for my mommy, but then I had an epiphany.

When I have kids, I’m not going to give a shit. Literally. About anything. If they wanna be stupid fucks, that’s their own problem. I will tell them one time what things in life are wrong – LITERALLY ONCE – because that’s all the patience I will have. When they are five we will probably have a sit-down meeting, and I’ll present a list of life’s no-no’s. That will be it. I will parent in one evening, and then they will go on their merry way.

They will end up terrible, god-awful people, or scrappy and successful people in the entertainment industry who make documentaries or write memoirs about the abuses they suffered as children from their lazy, terrible mother, and you know what? I’ll probably take credit for their success, and I’ll be at home, watching Arrested Development re-runs, eating popcorn and painting my fingernails. ‘Cause that’s how I do.

16 Is The New 35 (Annie Goes to the Bar)

August 16, 2012 § Leave a comment

On Saturday, August 11th, I hit the lodge at the Idle Hour Resort to drink copious amounts of whiskey sours and shake my tail feather to the Rat River String Band. Yes, I am serious. I essentially line-danced with a bunch of hick conservatives. Where’s my medal for persevering?

This is the band:

The names of the members of the group are Thor, Ryan, and Mufasa, from left to right. I literally can’t make this up. The Northwoods is an alternate reality. (It was also hard to not steal the 45 dollars they made out of that hat.)

After a few string-heavy versions of various country classics I did not know, because I will vote for Barack Obama and use deodorant, the RRSB played “Cocaine Blues” by a Mister Johnny Cash. Needless to say I was soon dancing on the table, trying to keep my shirt on. (I’ll refrain from posting a picture. You’re welcome.) It was at this point that I drunkenly pointed out how much I’m into bassists to my bestie Kimberly, hereafter referred to as Kim.

“I am totally into that whole pony tail and beard thing he’s rocking!!! I am going to go talk to him!!” I said, screaming at the top of my lungs.

She looked utterly bemused and shrugged. “Okay. Good luck with that one.”

I sauntered (also known as stumbled) up to Mufasa (not his real name) and, in what I’m sure I thought was my hottest move yet, demanded to know how old he was. “Are you like, 35?!” I half-shouted in his ear. Normal people would say hello, you say? I’m not normal. In fact, I’m paranormal. The events that followed make me believe I am psychic, because I was asking alllll the right questions.

Mufasa looked unimpressed with my seduction techniques, and said “not important” before turning back to his bass.

I do not like to be rebuffed. In fact, no one says no to me, unless you’re my rude ex-boyfriend who refused to take me to Cabo.

I pouted back to my chair and informed Kim of my blatant rejection. “He looked just enough rock-n-roll to become super successful and pay for my future shopping rehab, but he doesn’t seem interested,” I said, whining and shoving my cleavage towards the bartender to signal my desire for another whiskey sour. He, too, ignored me.

“Yeah, I would hope not, since he’s sixteen fucking years old!” said Kim.

YEAH, THAT HAPPENED.

Still shuddering,

AM

There’s Nothin’ About a Truck

August 16, 2012 § Leave a comment

I wanted to write this piece and title it “Annie Goes to the North Woods and The Obvious Things You’d Expect to Happen Didn’t Happen (Or Maybe They Did)” but something tells me it is not the catchy title that I believe it to be.

There are two versions of the story. The short one is this: that I got in a car with my bestest bud Kimberly, we drove to Park Falls, I drank three bottles of whiskey in 5 days, I put on a swimsuit and laid in the sun, I ate too many carbs and ran too few miles, and then I came home.

The longer one is much more embarrassing, and much funnier, and I will probably tell you about it, let’s face it. My brand is self-deprecating humor combined with charming tidbits about how much I like to eat, so I’m going to tell you every last embarrassing thing I did on that trip.

I’ll leave you with this gem to get you started:

Yep, this happened.
More to come,
AM

Why I’m Searching for Peter Parker (And You Should Be Too)

August 7, 2012 § Leave a comment

The perfect man is not a myth. Regardless of my past failures, I refuse to believe that some day I won’t meet the man of my dreams. Of course, this will happen in the distant future, after I have traveled the world, eaten every kind of curry, and starred in a reality show or musical about my life. However, just because the perfect man does exist, doesn’t mean he’s not far away. In my case, he’s a fictional character. Peter Parker, aka Spider-Man, is the perfect specimen of manhood. Here are seven reasons why.

1. Peter Parker is a genius when it comes to the sciences. Let’s be real, nerds are sexy, and these days, they run the world. Nobody is without Apple products – nerds invented them, and they’re laughing all the way to the bank. Picture Andrew Garfield in those geek glasses studying cross-species genetics (in the newest film – Tobey M is ugly). I could climb him like a tree and leave no prisoners. Engineers, pharmacists, doctors, you name it. Nerds are hot, and they’re making the money. Gorgeous and able to afford expensive dinners? Where do I throw my underwear?

2. Peter Parker is agile. Whether it be swinging through the streets of New York or besting the Green Goblin, Peter can prance around like a sexy ballerina in a better outfit. Think about him tying you to a bed – with WEBS. Yeah, 50 Shades of Peter. Yum.

3. Peter Parker is the underdog. Not only was he orphaned at a young age, Peter frequently loses the people he loves (Uncle Ben and Gwen Stacy) and gets dumped by Mary Jane on the regular. Who doesn’t like rooting for the underdog? I know I do. I’d also like to take this opportunity to proclaim to Peter that if he did choose me, I would NEVER abandon him, even if Doc Ock tried to kill me.

4. Peter Parker is faithful. He spent years loving Gwen Stacy, and after her death devoted the rest of his life (with some alternate-reality exceptions) to Mary Jane. Is there anything sexier than a man who is unwavering in his devotion and can hang upside down and kiss you in the rain? I don’t think so. Except for a man that brings you cake when you can’t stop crying because Seth and Summer broke up.

5. Peter is a tortured soul. Feeling rejected and inadequate BECAUSE he is geeky (see above), and saddled with his “great power that requires great responsibility,” he is alone in a world that cannot understand him. I can’t either, but women love a man that they can save, and I think I am just the girl to fix him, ifyaknowwhaddimean.

6. The writers of Spider-Man once called him a “functioning neurotic.” Sound familiar? Great minds think alike.

7. Peter Parker is a gorgeous man.

Peter is dreamy, tortured, smart, and he probably would be a great drummer. He is Annie Steib’s perfect man. Now I just have to find him, or jump up and down on one of my comics til it absorbs me into the paper.

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Just Can’t Get Enough (of Fundamentalist Mormons)

August 3, 2012 § Leave a comment

If you know me (and you do, because the only way people see my blog is if they are dumb enough to check my Facebook feed out of pity) you know that I love me some Mormons. Lately they’re everywhere: The Book of Mormon musical won 11 Tony Awards, Sister Wives was renewed for a fourth season by TLC, and Big Love was on HBO for five seasons and was nominated for an Emmy and three Golden Globes, winning 1. (You should really check it out.  Amanda Seyfried is in one of her first major roles as a rebellious daughter of polygamist – and she runs away with Aaron Paul, as in Breaking Bad’s Jesse Pinkman, an ex-Mormon ten years her senior. It’s television at it’s finest.) For further Mormon viewing, you should watch this cartoon here. Try not to pee your pants laughing.

I never really thought about what brought on my obsession. I just knew I loved listening to songs about God giving you your own planet and giggling at plural families in Utah as they try to coordinate carpooling. Then someone I work with asked me WHY I love Mormons so much, and I had to really think about it.

1. I am both impressed and disgusted by these women that give up so much of themselves in pursuit of eternal life. Watching their lives is like a trainwreck that just keeps playing on repeat.
The Brown family is amazing, in the sense that they can keep four households in decent living conditions and keep seventeen children out of juvie. Meri, Janelle, Christine and Robyn Brown are all married to one man, Kody, and they literally take turns with him – they have a rotation of four nights. Each spends approximately 8 nights a month with their ‘husband.’ These women are friends – they meet a few times a week to check in, and their kids are in and out of each other’s houses. Fundamentalist Mormons (the ones who still practice polygamy) believe they need to grow their families as much as possible to become a God – the more children and wives the men have, the larger their planet will be. Women in fundamentalist sects are not entitled to a relationship of equals because of a sexist religion borne out of one man’s excuses to hide his infidelity (Google it. That’s how polygamy in the Mormon church started. The founder, Joseph Smith, had the hots for his bestie’s wife.) I can’t believe a woman would subject herself to that, but at the same time, I am impressed that they are so steadfast in their faith – but mostly just disgusted.
2. I am amazed that people let religion destroy their personal happiness because they think it’s what God wants for them.
This is not unique to Mormonism – their actions are just more polarizing because American society as a whole believes polygamy is taboo, regardless of party affiliation or place of birth. People of all walks of faith embrace or stomp out elements of their lives that are not satisfactory to what ‘God’ wants for them. The most obvious example is LGBT Christians who hide from their identity – or even commit suicide – because who they are is not in line with their faith. Organizations like Exodus International even offer therapy to make someone ‘ex-gay.’ It’s repulsive, but it’s even more disturbing that people believe they need to change who they are to be loved by their God, whichever one it may be. Jesus said “let all the little children come to me.” Not, “let the straight, blonde-haired, thin, Ivy-league educated children come to me.” If the way you are living is not hurting anyone else and is fulfilling for you, then that’s how you should live. I realize this is contradictory – one could argue that maybe these women are not hurting anyone else and fulfilling themselves. I do believe, however, that by being plural wives they are hurting each other and their children, especially their daughters – gay or straight, black or white, every woman should be treated equal to a man, and in this religion, they can’t be. A woman needs to marry a man, and bear his children, to attain salvation.
3. It’s a metaphor for my own upbringing.
I was raised in a Lutheran denomination called LCMS, or Lutheran Church Missouri Synod, with my father and paternal grandmother as my primary examples of what living a faith-based life meant. What they have taught me (love everyone, be nice, don’t pee on strangers) is not what I saw in school, especially my middle and high school years – and was probably the reason for much of my dissent. As a student at church school operated by a massive Lutheran church in southeastern Wisconsin, I was frequently outspoken about what I saw as hypocracies in the church’s message when read concurrently with the words of the Bible. Christ HIMSELF (which is VERY different from prophets) says nothing about homosexuality, plural marriage, skin color, or women bringing their men sandwiches. Jesus did say, however, ‘he who humbles himself will be exalted.’ I will not pretend to be any kind of religious authority. I will, however, refuse to acknowledge hatred, bigotry, or decrees on how anyone should live from any person or group on the grounds of ‘religious authority.’ If the Sister Wives want to be polygamists because they think that they are happy that way, good. But to do it regardless of their personal pain because the Angel Moroni told them too? Please. The Book of Mormon is a book. The Bible is a book. They have both been edited and translated hundreds times, yet people use it as the full authority on Christ’s message. Something tells me Christ wouldn’t join Dan Cathy’s church, Joseph Smith’s, or for that matter, even my own.

Thank you to the members of Depeche Mode for their endlessly parody-able song titles.

Being Bowl-Legged is Sexy (And 31 Other Lies I Tell Myself)

August 2, 2012 § 1 Comment

1. Being bowl-legged is sexy.
2. Qdoba queso is 100% real cheese, therefore, it’s natural, and good for you.
3. You can make out with your friends without consequence.
4. Drinking a bottle of Wollersheim River Gold a day is a good idea.
5. I am the favorite daughter.
6. These $495 Tory Burch boots are not a waste of money.
7. Standing naked in my room with the blinds open does not mean my neighbors can see me naked.
8. I have fine motor skills.
9. Gwen Stefani wants to be my friend.
10. Harry Potter is a real person.
11. So is Peter Parker, and he wants to date me.
12. My eternal lifeguard tan makes me desirable, not weird.
13. Ska is not dead.
14. My middle school girl punk band really had a shot at a record deal.
15. I will be the next Rachel Maddow.
16. Nothing could go wrong at this George Webb’s at four a.m.
17. I need these three dollar fake glasses from Forever21 to see.
18. American Spirits don’t count as cigarettes, therefore, you can smoke them.
19. If I run for 45 minutes, I can eat as many red velvet pancakes as I want.
20. Community will last for six seasons and a movie.
21. My scoliosis makes me an enticing sex partner, not a crippled ogre.
22. I really do work forty hours a week.
23. I look great when I’m drunk.
24. When I dance when I’m drunk, I look like sex on fire, not a sweaty, floppy mess.
25. My grandmother is not a racist.
26. I am board-certified in all things swag.
27. I am 100% satisfied with Barack Obama’s performance as president.
28. 1/4 of a jar of Nutella a day is a necessary part of a healthy diet.
29. Buffy Summers protects me from vampires.
30. People think I’m funny.
31. I’ve never faked an orgasm.
32. My life is not a joke.

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