Being Bowl-Legged is Sexy (And 31 Other Lies I Tell Myself)

August 2, 2012 § 1 Comment

1. Being bowl-legged is sexy.
2. Qdoba queso is 100% real cheese, therefore, it’s natural, and good for you.
3. You can make out with your friends without consequence.
4. Drinking a bottle of Wollersheim River Gold a day is a good idea.
5. I am the favorite daughter.
6. These $495 Tory Burch boots are not a waste of money.
7. Standing naked in my room with the blinds open does not mean my neighbors can see me naked.
8. I have fine motor skills.
9. Gwen Stefani wants to be my friend.
10. Harry Potter is a real person.
11. So is Peter Parker, and he wants to date me.
12. My eternal lifeguard tan makes me desirable, not weird.
13. Ska is not dead.
14. My middle school girl punk band really had a shot at a record deal.
15. I will be the next Rachel Maddow.
16. Nothing could go wrong at this George Webb’s at four a.m.
17. I need these three dollar fake glasses from Forever21 to see.
18. American Spirits don’t count as cigarettes, therefore, you can smoke them.
19. If I run for 45 minutes, I can eat as many red velvet pancakes as I want.
20. Community will last for six seasons and a movie.
21. My scoliosis makes me an enticing sex partner, not a crippled ogre.
22. I really do work forty hours a week.
23. I look great when I’m drunk.
24. When I dance when I’m drunk, I look like sex on fire, not a sweaty, floppy mess.
25. My grandmother is not a racist.
26. I am board-certified in all things swag.
27. I am 100% satisfied with Barack Obama’s performance as president.
28. 1/4 of a jar of Nutella a day is a necessary part of a healthy diet.
29. Buffy Summers protects me from vampires.
30. People think I’m funny.
31. I’ve never faked an orgasm.
32. My life is not a joke.

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