Why I’m Searching for Peter Parker (And You Should Be Too)

August 7, 2012 § Leave a comment

The perfect man is not a myth. Regardless of my past failures, I refuse to believe that some day I won’t meet the man of my dreams. Of course, this will happen in the distant future, after I have traveled the world, eaten every kind of curry, and starred in a reality show or musical about my life. However, just because the perfect man does exist, doesn’t mean he’s not far away. In my case, he’s a fictional character. Peter Parker, aka Spider-Man, is the perfect specimen of manhood. Here are seven reasons why.

1. Peter Parker is a genius when it comes to the sciences. Let’s be real, nerds are sexy, and these days, they run the world. Nobody is without Apple products – nerds invented them, and they’re laughing all the way to the bank. Picture Andrew Garfield in those geek glasses studying cross-species genetics (in the newest film – Tobey M is ugly). I could climb him like a tree and leave no prisoners. Engineers, pharmacists, doctors, you name it. Nerds are hot, and they’re making the money. Gorgeous and able to afford expensive dinners? Where do I throw my underwear?

2. Peter Parker is agile. Whether it be swinging through the streets of New York or besting the Green Goblin, Peter can prance around like a sexy ballerina in a better outfit. Think about him tying you to a bed – with WEBS. Yeah, 50 Shades of Peter. Yum.

3. Peter Parker is the underdog. Not only was he orphaned at a young age, Peter frequently loses the people he loves (Uncle Ben and Gwen Stacy) and gets dumped by Mary Jane on the regular. Who doesn’t like rooting for the underdog? I know I do. I’d also like to take this opportunity to proclaim to Peter that if he did choose me, I would NEVER abandon him, even if Doc Ock tried to kill me.

4. Peter Parker is faithful. He spent years loving Gwen Stacy, and after her death devoted the rest of his life (with some alternate-reality exceptions) to Mary Jane. Is there anything sexier than a man who is unwavering in his devotion and can hang upside down and kiss you in the rain? I don’t think so. Except for a man that brings you cake when you can’t stop crying because Seth and Summer broke up.

5. Peter is a tortured soul. Feeling rejected and inadequate BECAUSE he is geeky (see above), and saddled with his “great power that requires great responsibility,” he is alone in a world that cannot understand him. I can’t either, but women love a man that they can save, and I think I am just the girl to fix him, ifyaknowwhaddimean.

6. The writers of Spider-Man once called him a “functioning neurotic.” Sound familiar? Great minds think alike.

7. Peter Parker is a gorgeous man.

Peter is dreamy, tortured, smart, and he probably would be a great drummer. He is Annie Steib’s perfect man. Now I just have to find him, or jump up and down on one of my comics til it absorbs me into the paper.

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