I Think I Will Be a Terrible Mother

August 27, 2012 § Leave a comment

Today I was making mac and cheese, and since I am so thoughtful and wise, I took some time to reflect. I thought about how I much I loved to eat M&C when I was a kid, and how my mom barely ever let me, because it was bad for me. That triggered more memories of all sorts of delicious food she never bought, because they’re essentially toxins for your body: fruit roll-ups, Pop Tarts, chocolatey cereal, Lunchables, etc. I’m sure I bitched and moaned and she constantly fought with me, protecting me from the all the garbage in the world, and that I was super ungrateful and annoying to be around. Thinking about this filled me with love and affection for my mommy, but then I had an epiphany.

When I have kids, I’m not going to give a shit. Literally. About anything. If they wanna be stupid fucks, that’s their own problem. I will tell them one time what things in life are wrong – LITERALLY ONCE – because that’s all the patience I will have. When they are five we will probably have a sit-down meeting, and I’ll present a list of life’s no-no’s. That will be it. I will parent in one evening, and then they will go on their merry way.

They will end up terrible, god-awful people, or scrappy and successful people in the entertainment industry who make documentaries or write memoirs about the abuses they suffered as children from their lazy, terrible mother, and you know what? I’ll probably take credit for their success, and I’ll be at home, watching Arrested Development re-runs, eating popcorn and painting my fingernails. ‘Cause that’s how I do.

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