I Learn Lessons the Hard Way

September 25, 2012 § 1 Comment

As many of you know (since you’ve texted me, called me, tweeted about it, or showed up at my doorstep) I was engaged to be married to a man who never actually broke up with me, but now has a new fiance. To make this more humorous, I thought we could go through a list of every major lesson I’ve ever learned and how I had to learn that lesson, to prove that this is not new for ole’ Annie Steib.

1. Don’t take other people’s toys. Instead of accepting this as fact, it took Mindy Rosen beating me up with a pink plastic guitar not one, not two, but three times before I learned to ask nicely.

2. Don’t steal. Otherwise, you’ll be escorted from a West Allis Target in handcuffs.

3. Don’t have sex with your friends. No matter what they say or do, things never go back to normal, and you lose somebody close to you. And that blows.

4. Don’t do twelve tequila shots at 9 AM before your dinner shift at the country club. YOU WILL GET FIRED. I have warned you.

5. Don’t go for eagles in liquid golf. It is not necessary. No one is keeping score. You will not impress anyone. You will get a black eye. In hindsight, however, you will also be part of history, and be something of a living legend.

6. Go to your econ lectures. Apparently when you don’t go, you don’t learn, and then you get a D.

7. Don’t make fun of your grandma’s facelift. She will smack you in the ear.

8. Don’t step on a mousetrap. Bridget will take a picture of it, and your foot will be sticky for days, even after many showers.

9. Don’t order a pepperoni pizza from a Chinese restaurant. It won’t come.

10. Shoe racks are not for standing. Or jumping. They will break, Bridget will be crabby, and nine months later you will get a new shoe rack that no one will use.

11. Don’t get into your dream school. You’ll get dumped. HA. No but seriously.

12. Don’t buy Three Buck Chuck. You will get pregnant, and die.

13. Don’t start boiling milk, and then leave to shower. You will burn a pan, and Kylie will ignore you for two days.

14. No matter how badly you want to, do not tell your roommate you hate her boyfriend. It will not make a difference, and their eventual atrocious breakup will be just as horrible, but she will be too sad for you to even say “I told you so” and enjoy it.

15. Don’t drink Kylie’s juice or borrow a tampon. SHE WILL KNOW.

16. In hindsight, maybe I haven’t learned my lessons, because I still live with Kylie.

17. DON’T READ THIS BLOG POST ALOUD TO KYLIE. SHE WILL EAT YOU.

18. Don’t sleep with somebody else’s boyfriend, force him to break up with her, date him for three years, and then be surprised when that same boy finds it equally easy to move on. And DEFINITELY don’t be surprised when you find out that he cheated on you multiple times.

19. Don’t get engaged when you’re eighteen. No matter how sweet someone is, they have an ulterior motive for asking, and it’s not a good one. It’s probably that they’re afraid to be alone or have a crippling need for validation through sex.

20. Don’t put your life on hold for anyone. Chase after every opportunity, whether it means moving to Chicago, or London, or Antarctica. Unless the opportunity is in Missouri…then don’t follow your dreams.

21. It’s okay to be alone, and it’s even more okay that’s scary.

22. Love yourself more than anything in the world, except Katie Steib. (She’s really cute.)

In all seriousness, the support from everyone is amazing. Thank you for reading what I write and pretending to laugh at it. This blog does more good for me than any of you will ever know. xoxo.

-AM

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