Cautiously Optimistic

October 29, 2012 § 1 Comment

I spend a lot of time lecturing my with my observations on relationships. I’m getting bored of that. I’m starting to accept some things you’ve seen my wrestle with over the past five months. I’ve really appreciated the support. It’s been amazing.

It’s also helped me change my perspective. I’ve gone from being extremely pessimistic and distrusting, to opening myself up to new surprises. I’ve become cautiously optimistic.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not stupid. I will never be fooled again by big promises that don’t make sense. I will ask more questions. I will take more precautions. I also have a lot of questions, and I hope you’ll comment on Facebook or on this post with your thoughts. I want to hear your feedback.

Are you optimistic? If not, why aren’t you? Is it in your nature? Do you choose to see the world the way you do? What shapes your outlook?

Tell me. I want to keep writing about it.

Welcome to the Chastity Castle.

October 24, 2012 § Leave a comment

It’s a desert out here.

STOP LAUGHING. It’s true. There are almost fifty thousand students at this school, half of them are probably male, and all of them are gay, ugly, dating someone, or awful. Or all four.

Being a survivor of a three-year, long-distance relationship has made me both ruthlessly picky and totally hopeless. I have extremely high expectations, and compounded with my emotional baggage, men are either not good enough or too smart to take a ride on my crazy train. No sexual pun intended.

My friend Elise always tells me that one should be the mouse, not the cat, and let the people come to you. She also gets mad that I even care about finding a guy. She scolds me and tells me I should be fine by myself. She’s not wrong. But it doesn’t change the fact that I would like to meet someone that just makes me laugh and doesn’t make me stress about everything. It would be a nice change of pace.

My mentor Rachel told me to sit down and make a list of what I want in a partner, and if someone doesn’t meet what you want, then don’t be with them. That being said, generalities are good – specifics are bad. So here’s what I want someone to do:

1. Make me giggle. Seriously, I laugh at everything, it’s not that hard.
2. Understand that most of what I say is bullshit. I’m self-conscious and repel human interaction with humor and self-deprecation, and anyone that can see through that will have me pretty easily.
3. Eat the food that I make for you. Seriously. I love making people fat.
4. Have convictions. Values, morality, whatever you want to call it. I am always impressed with people who stand up for what they believe in, regardless of what it is. Unless it’s murder. Or neo-naziism. Or anti-gay sentiments. Or rejection of evolution.
5. Have a decently cute face. I promise I will return the favor.
6. Don’t have sex with my friends. Honesty is sexy. Cheating is gross.
7. I don’t need to get married tomorrow, but someday I’ll want commitment. And a baby. And a house on Cape Cod. Maybe.
8. Be nerdy. Seriously. I’m nerdy. We’ll do it together.
9. But most importantly, someone who values what I’ve worked for, doesn’t suppress my goals, and doesn’t try to change me. That wants me to be successful. I’ll do the same for them.

I pledge here and now to not compromise myself for a man until he meets these requirements. There are a lot of people here, sure, but I’m not sure that any of them are the one for me. And that’s cool. I’ll wait.

Until then, I’ll be living in the chastity castle. It’s nice here, except a little cold. One could even say frigid.

i can feel law and grad school slipping away

October 9, 2012 § Leave a comment

I was just sodomized by my Italian test.

No, literally. It was atrociously hard, but the worst part was, I barely studied. I was expecting it to go in one direction and it completely turned around on me. To illustrate how poorly I failed, I’m going to write the last essay question and my response (to the best of my memory). I had no problem reading it. Writing a response, however, was apparently impossible for someone with an IQ of 10, like me. I could not remember any vocab word I’ve ever learned in the past year and a half. I even forgot the words for ‘morning,’ ‘afternoon,’ and ‘happy.’

Scegli una delle due persone nelle foto. Descrivere la loro infanzia, la loro routine quotidiana, le loro descrizioni fisiche, e la loro personalità.
Pick one of the two people in the photos. Describe their childhood, their daily routine, their physical descriptions, and their personalities.
(use complex sentences, conjunctions, and construct a logical paragraph with natural flow)

I selected the photo of the old man cooking, and I kid you not, I wrote this. (but in Italian):

Fabio is old. He likes food. He likes to take walks with his mother. His hair is gray and curly. He was bad to his parents when he was young. He gets up late in the morning. He cooks with his family. He likes to eat. He is a person born in Italy. Fabio likes his friends. Fabio likes naps.

And I’m not even sure if I used proper grammar or spelled everything right. So don’t mind me, world. I’ll be crying in the corner waving good bye to my dreams of running the world as a high-powered executive.

i actually got fanmail! omgz.

October 9, 2012 § 1 Comment

…and it was really amazing. I’m going to copy and paste it here, and just leave the person’s name off. They are way wiser than me. They’re also a better writer. I wish I was this eloquent.

 

“It’s not that everyone moves on faster, it’s that people are like the wall street journal online. You get brief snippets of what is going on, the best or worst parts, but if you want the whole story you have to pay for it, or in terms of people really dig and push, and sometimes force it out of them. You are one of those people that will share regardless, you’re a free blog, opening yourself up to praise and judgement equally. It’s a hard position to be in and I admire you greatly for doing so. I don’t know that I will ever be one of those people. People move on fast as a distraction. Sometimes they work and sometimes they don’t. The worst part is learning to deal with things alone, but I can honestly say it’s the most gratifying.
 
Change is terrifying because you can’t always control it, but accepting that it’s going to happen and taking charge of all the small changes makes you feel empowered to deal with all the big changes. It teaches you to trust yourself and your own judgement. Becoming the person you are meant to be, for better or worse.
 
Healing is about accepting help when you know you can’t handle things and accepting that the best down the road may not be the easiest now. It’s accepting that you know what is best for you better than anyone else if you sit down and really think about it.
 
It is extremely hard getting out of a relationship and not having that one person to go to for everything, but the best part is that you can go to everyone. All those people that once came second to a singular person are all vying for your attention. You won’t lose faith in love because whoever you talk to when you’re sad, or happy, or angry, or giggly are there because they love you. You won’t stop laughing because people are inherently funny, either through words or actions or looks. You won’t be jaded, you’ll be smarter.
 
Trust people that trust you. Only do things that you would be proud to tell your mother. Accept that most things are best in moderation. Be happy that there is something, even if it’s small that makes you happy everyday.
 
I am no writer, but I will avidly read every word you write, and listen to every word you say because you are important, beautiful, and worth it.”

sobby sob sob

October 9, 2012 § Leave a comment

My life has not worked out the way I planned.

Four months later, I’m still reeling. Some days I am in utter amazement that the rest of the world goes on as if nothing as happened, which I know is unreasonable and childish. But it seems like everyone else needs a lot less time than I do to recover from that kind of change. People move on incredibly fast. Their lives drastically change and they make new, big plans that don’t involve me at all. And all I’m doing is sitting here alone in my bed tearing up at Glee covering Coldplay songs. It’s not even actual Coldplay!

I realize that I’m 20, and that choices and uncertainty are completely normal. My mom tells me all the time that this is the best part of my life, when the whole world is open and I have so many choices. But choices are terrifying. Change is terrifying.

How do people heal? How do people recover from that kind of rejection? Is there a handbook that teaches people how to be alone and find value in themselves without another person validating them? I should read that. So should some other people I know.

I don’t want to lose the girl that I was when I was a part of a relationship. I don’t want to lose faith in love. I don’t want to stop laughing. I don’t want to be jaded. I don’t want to stop caring about details, about making people feel special and appreciated. I feel myself losing my faith in people around me the longer I am on my own. I find myself seeing the worst in people instead of the best. I trust less. I do things I regret.

But I am still learning. I am aspiring to be better. I will fight back at my subconscious, and I will keep writing and pushing forth this conversation until I have answers. I will surround myself with people that bring out the best in me.

And I will laugh. A lot.

Where Am I?

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