sobby sob sob

October 9, 2012 § Leave a comment

My life has not worked out the way I planned.

Four months later, I’m still reeling. Some days I am in utter amazement that the rest of the world goes on as if nothing as happened, which I know is unreasonable and childish. But it seems like everyone else needs a lot less time than I do to recover from that kind of change. People move on incredibly fast. Their lives drastically change and they make new, big plans that don’t involve me at all. And all I’m doing is sitting here alone in my bed tearing up at Glee covering Coldplay songs. It’s not even actual Coldplay!

I realize that I’m 20, and that choices and uncertainty are completely normal. My mom tells me all the time that this is the best part of my life, when the whole world is open and I have so many choices. But choices are terrifying. Change is terrifying.

How do people heal? How do people recover from that kind of rejection? Is there a handbook that teaches people how to be alone and find value in themselves without another person validating them? I should read that. So should some other people I know.

I don’t want to lose the girl that I was when I was a part of a relationship. I don’t want to lose faith in love. I don’t want to stop laughing. I don’t want to be jaded. I don’t want to stop caring about details, about making people feel special and appreciated. I feel myself losing my faith in people around me the longer I am on my own. I find myself seeing the worst in people instead of the best. I trust less. I do things I regret.

But I am still learning. I am aspiring to be better. I will fight back at my subconscious, and I will keep writing and pushing forth this conversation until I have answers. I will surround myself with people that bring out the best in me.

And I will laugh. A lot.

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