Welcome to the Chastity Castle.

October 24, 2012 § Leave a comment

It’s a desert out here.

STOP LAUGHING. It’s true. There are almost fifty thousand students at this school, half of them are probably male, and all of them are gay, ugly, dating someone, or awful. Or all four.

Being a survivor of a three-year, long-distance relationship has made me both ruthlessly picky and totally hopeless. I have extremely high expectations, and compounded with my emotional baggage, men are either not good enough or too smart to take a ride on my crazy train. No sexual pun intended.

My friend Elise always tells me that one should be the mouse, not the cat, and let the people come to you. She also gets mad that I even care about finding a guy. She scolds me and tells me I should be fine by myself. She’s not wrong. But it doesn’t change the fact that I would like to meet someone that just makes me laugh and doesn’t make me stress about everything. It would be a nice change of pace.

My mentor Rachel told me to sit down and make a list of what I want in a partner, and if someone doesn’t meet what you want, then don’t be with them. That being said, generalities are good – specifics are bad. So here’s what I want someone to do:

1. Make me giggle. Seriously, I laugh at everything, it’s not that hard.
2. Understand that most of what I say is bullshit. I’m self-conscious and repel human interaction with humor and self-deprecation, and anyone that can see through that will have me pretty easily.
3. Eat the food that I make for you. Seriously. I love making people fat.
4. Have convictions. Values, morality, whatever you want to call it. I am always impressed with people who stand up for what they believe in, regardless of what it is. Unless it’s murder. Or neo-naziism. Or anti-gay sentiments. Or rejection of evolution.
5. Have a decently cute face. I promise I will return the favor.
6. Don’t have sex with my friends. Honesty is sexy. Cheating is gross.
7. I don’t need to get married tomorrow, but someday I’ll want commitment. And a baby. And a house on Cape Cod. Maybe.
8. Be nerdy. Seriously. I’m nerdy. We’ll do it together.
9. But most importantly, someone who values what I’ve worked for, doesn’t suppress my goals, and doesn’t try to change me. That wants me to be successful. I’ll do the same for them.

I pledge here and now to not compromise myself for a man until he meets these requirements. There are a lot of people here, sure, but I’m not sure that any of them are the one for me. And that’s cool. I’ll wait.

Until then, I’ll be living in the chastity castle. It’s nice here, except a little cold. One could even say frigid.


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