two cousins and a roommate drink a bottle of wine

November 28, 2012 § Leave a comment

What defines a date?

Joe: There’s a number of things we can consider here. What happens on the excursion? What time of day is it? How long is it? Is anyone else present?
Annie: I already need more wine to answer these questions. Hashtag stressed.
Joe: (Ignoring Annie) What do you do on the date? What happens sexually? What do you talk about? Are you guys friends, classmates, co-workers? I feel like a flowchart would be good. BLOW CHART. High five?
Kylie: (Rolls eyes) Was it pre-arranged?
Annie: Do people our age date? Most people tend to have sex before even beginning relationships nowadays. And those ridiculous non-relationships that are really relationships are called ‘things.’ Which is just ludicrous. People are awful. I’ll be single forever.
Joe: I feel like it’s not common, but it does occur.
Annie: Do you go on dates? I don’t.
Kylie: No. Unless you count our downstairs neighbor coming into my bedroom to hang out with me, then yes. But he gives my five dollars. OH MY GOD DON’T PUT THAT I’M KIDDING.
Joe: So why isn’t that date?
Kylie: Because it’s an established relationship.
Joe: Do dates not occur in established relationships?
Kylie: I don’t know. I think of going out to dinner.
Annie: Who pays determines whether or not it’s a date. Unless you’re me, and Joe, Bert and DJ are constantly fronting you because you are poor as shit.
Joe: If you always split checks evenly then I feel the force of the date is diminished, but if you alternate who pays that tends to change things.
Annie: Oh god that means I’m dating Bert. And Michael Babcock. And YOU!
(boisterous chuckles from Joe. Annie and Kylie look sad at what their lives have become)
Joe: speaking of dates, have you read my election commentary?
(ignored by Annie and Kylie)

YEARBOOK CATEGORIES
Kylie: I didn’t win anything.
Joe: I was voted most likely to become president in eighth grade.
Annie: I was voted loudest and biggest cell phone addict. But I was the only person to win in two categories. 
(awkward silence)

NO LONGER SIDETRACKED AND BACK ONTO THE DATE CONVERSATION
Joe: Is there one defining factor?
Annie: No. Let’s talk about my poor life choices!

ANNIE’S POOR LIFE CHOICES
Joe: What about mine?
Annie: You’re perfect.
Kylie: Not hanging out with us enough.
Annie: Truth. This transcript is no longer funny. My life is perfect.  New topic.
Joe: This is gold. You have to put this on Facebook.

WHAT IS MORE THAN FRIENDS?
Joe: Now that’s a saucy topic. First we have to define what friends is.
Annie: People that care about each other with no romantic inclination?
Joe: So more than friends is people who care about each other with romantic inclination. Which could be manifested in many different forms.
Kylie: Like what?
Joe: Physical romance –
Annie: – what’s that?
Joe: Holding hands, kissing, sex.
Annie: What about snuggling? I snuggle with everybody.
Kylie: Annie! Shame!
Annie: It’s true.
Joe: Wait, are you writing a play? Is this the pilot for your new reality show?
Annie: Nah, that’s called Annie Unscripted. But it has a script. The script is “Annie eats cheese on camera, gets drunk, and yells at her mother.”
Joe: Oh god. So what is more than friends?! And why do you wanna know so bad?
Annie: Because I hate you and shut up. Also because my therapist said I had to decide. I feel like I am more than friends with both females and males in my life. Some people feel like family to me, regardless of blood.
Joe: That’s dodging the question, because that’s not what the question means.
Annie: What does the question mean?
Kylie: Ooh! New items on QVC!
Joe: I guess it doesn’t depend on what has happened, but what you intend to have happen with that person, regardless of what the other person thinks.
Annie: That doesn’t apply to me, because I run from emotional intimacy like the plague and never want to be touched by people I know. When people treat me like shit I just want their approval even more.
Joe: Being angry is emotional intimacy. You’re full of shit. It doesn’t need to be positive. It’s just emotions. You have created this sort of vacuum impression of yourself in which you’ve sealed yourself off from all emotional contact, but you haven’t. You’re delusional. It’s a coping mechanism.
Annie: Not sure whether to be mortified. I hate to be touched, is that another thing that’s wrong with me?
Kylie: Me too, but not for the same reasons.
Annie: I don’t want to get used to someone touching me in case they leave me
Joe: How old is Rihanna?
Annie: I hate Rihanna.
Joe: You hate everyone.
Annie: Yep.

if you read this, i’m sorry.

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