December 11, 2012 § Leave a comment
When you find out someone misled you for the entire time you were together, and then broke up with you because you were a ‘liar,’ it’s hard to not be angry. About all the wasted time, the potential risks to your health, the manipulation of your feelings. Cheating is wrong. I used to think that cheating could be excused in certain circumstances, but now that I’ve experienced both ends of it I don’t think I can justify it. Lying destroys relationships, but I don’t really care that I lost mine. It was not right for me and I am better off where I am. What I care about is the real damage, the wound that won’t heal no matter what apologies I get. I don’t believe anyone anymore.
Why not? It’s a combination of what’s happened to me, but a large part of it is my own failings. I struggle with telling the whole truth for a variety of reasons. I’m notorious for exaggerating my stories or being overdramatic, and I often withhold details because I’m afraid if someone knows too much about me they’ll use it against me eventually. I’m intensely prideful and not very smart, a deadly combination.
It’s hard, too, because the people I’ve chosen to surround myself with aren’t exactly reliable. I will own my own choices, but it’s hard to feel positive about relationships when some of the new people I’ve opened myself up to, whether it be emotionally or physically, have kind of shit all over me. I have to own this, though. If I put myself in a position where I let people take advantage of me, people are going to capitalize on that. I think I’ve decided that I’m better off alone.
I know this is melodramatic, but I haven’t met anyone that treats me like my father treats my mother. My dad says that when I meet the person that’s for me, I won’t ever believe that what I thought was love. I really hope that’s true, but as a pragmatist I don’t plan on believing it. I’ve experienced being loved, and it was suffocating, suppressive, and made me feel like success was something to be ashamed of. I’ve also experienced being on the end of a crush that is not reciprocated, and it is awkward and awful. Regardless, it’s hard to share yourself with someone when being touched by any man makes you cringe and you’re incapable of articulating your feelings with complete honesty unless you’re writing them down for the internet to read. Besides, my baggage is monstrous, and I wouldn’t want to put my journey for self-discovery on another human being. I can barely handle it myself.
So why the positive title for this post? Because I finally know how I deserve to be treated. Yeah, it’s a bleak world out there since no one meets my expectations, except for fictional superheroes and Joseph Gordon Levitt circa 2000. (10 Things I Hate About You, anyone?) The positives are abounding: I’m no longer in a relationship with a boyfriend who cheated on me with not one, but three different people, I am no longer naive enough to think I need a relationship to fulfill me over education, I am extremely well-read, I am constantly challenged by people around me to pursue the best self I can be, and I have a best friend who doesn’t take any of my bullshit, and wants me to shine on my own merits and be validated by my own accomplishments, no matter how mad she gets at me.
Maybe my blog posts get redundant. Don’t like it? Don’t read it. I will always reiterate my positives, and continue to discuss my progress. If I don’t I might forget it, and we wouldn’t want that. Then I might try to convince myself that a baby at twenty is a good idea.
I got a lot of texts, calls, emails this weekend. They did not go unnoticed. Thank you to everyone who worries about me, but you don’t need to. I’ll keep on keepin’ on.
December 5, 2012 § Leave a comment
My cousin Joe came over for a glass of pinot, like he does most Tuesdays, and after a long conversation about relationships (like usual) he told me he and his friend Audrey had crafted the 6 P’s of Kissing. I laughed too, don’t worry.
But anyway, here they are:
1. Precision. “Being precise with your motions.” Aka, your tongue does not need to flop about my mouth. Tongue is not bad, but it needs to move in a directed, angular manner (without being stiff, of course). Slurping is not welcome. My roommate Kylie says it’s like meeting someone, especially when you kiss for the first time. Little by little you work up to the bigger stuff. I think she’s right, but I’m still biased about this. I hate tongue. I do my best to avoid it. If a guy kisses me and tries to use a lot of tongue with no direction, I train him by keeping my mouth HELLA CLOSED. Joe disagrees–he likes tongue (provided, of course, it stays in line with the 6 P’s).
2. Purposefulness. “Whatever you do with your entire body has to have a purpose. You need to plan ahead and know exactly what you’re trying to do with it. You can’t wander about aimlessly.” Joe says it’s an attitude in the situation, purposefulness is almost like passion. Which brings us to the third P.
3. Passion. It’s self-explanatory. Regardless of how drunk or sober you are (as are always factors when discussing college hook-ups, we’ve decided), if there isn’t at least a little passion, it’s just going to be terrible.
4. Placement. “Placement ties in with precision, and it’s the most technical factor. It refers to where and what you actually are doing with your tongue, with your lips, with your hands, and how you’re making contact with the other person.” Fine. I accept this.
5. Playfulness. “There needs to be a coquettish quality to the encounter.” In all of my best encounters–for lack of a better way to say it–I have laughed during. Sex is hilarious. Kissing is too. We might as well joke about it.
6. Joe says the final P is perhaps the most important. Perception. “You must constantly be aware of what the other person is feeling and doing and be able to adjust what you’re doing to make the situation better for both parties.” I think that in theory that’s true, but a lot of times people in those situations are solely focused on themselves. However, it’s a good policy?
I guess I should probably do my homework now and stop discussing all of the fabulously good and hilariously bad kissing I’ve experienced.