So let’s toast, ’cause things got better.
December 11, 2012 § Leave a comment
When you find out someone misled you for the entire time you were together, and then broke up with you because you were a ‘liar,’ it’s hard to not be angry. About all the wasted time, the potential risks to your health, the manipulation of your feelings. Cheating is wrong. I used to think that cheating could be excused in certain circumstances, but now that I’ve experienced both ends of it I don’t think I can justify it. Lying destroys relationships, but I don’t really care that I lost mine. It was not right for me and I am better off where I am. What I care about is the real damage, the wound that won’t heal no matter what apologies I get. I don’t believe anyone anymore.
Why not? It’s a combination of what’s happened to me, but a large part of it is my own failings. I struggle with telling the whole truth for a variety of reasons. I’m notorious for exaggerating my stories or being overdramatic, and I often withhold details because I’m afraid if someone knows too much about me they’ll use it against me eventually. I’m intensely prideful and not very smart, a deadly combination.
It’s hard, too, because the people I’ve chosen to surround myself with aren’t exactly reliable. I will own my own choices, but it’s hard to feel positive about relationships when some of the new people I’ve opened myself up to, whether it be emotionally or physically, have kind of shit all over me. I have to own this, though. If I put myself in a position where I let people take advantage of me, people are going to capitalize on that. I think I’ve decided that I’m better off alone.
I know this is melodramatic, but I haven’t met anyone that treats me like my father treats my mother. My dad says that when I meet the person that’s for me, I won’t ever believe that what I thought was love. I really hope that’s true, but as a pragmatist I don’t plan on believing it. I’ve experienced being loved, and it was suffocating, suppressive, and made me feel like success was something to be ashamed of. I’ve also experienced being on the end of a crush that is not reciprocated, and it is awkward and awful. Regardless, it’s hard to share yourself with someone when being touched by any man makes you cringe and you’re incapable of articulating your feelings with complete honesty unless you’re writing them down for the internet to read. Besides, my baggage is monstrous, and I wouldn’t want to put my journey for self-discovery on another human being. I can barely handle it myself.
So why the positive title for this post? Because I finally know how I deserve to be treated. Yeah, it’s a bleak world out there since no one meets my expectations, except for fictional superheroes and Joseph Gordon Levitt circa 2000. (10 Things I Hate About You, anyone?) The positives are abounding: I’m no longer in a relationship with a boyfriend who cheated on me with not one, but three different people, I am no longer naive enough to think I need a relationship to fulfill me over education, I am extremely well-read, I am constantly challenged by people around me to pursue the best self I can be, and I have a best friend who doesn’t take any of my bullshit, and wants me to shine on my own merits and be validated by my own accomplishments, no matter how mad she gets at me.
Maybe my blog posts get redundant. Don’t like it? Don’t read it. I will always reiterate my positives, and continue to discuss my progress. If I don’t I might forget it, and we wouldn’t want that. Then I might try to convince myself that a baby at twenty is a good idea.
I got a lot of texts, calls, emails this weekend. They did not go unnoticed. Thank you to everyone who worries about me, but you don’t need to. I’ll keep on keepin’ on.