She’s baaaaack, bitches.
February 15, 2013 § Leave a comment
I went out for Valentine’s Day with a bunch of my single friends last night, male and female. (Actually, I also went out Tuesday and Wednesday, since apparently I no longer do homework or contribute to society.) I had a lot of fun the first two nights, but I think I was either tired or just plain crabby last night. Anyway maybe it was all the shitty wine or the fact that everyone in Plaza was handsy and everyone at Hatters was in my space. (I know it’s a bar. I’m sure I was overreacting. Whatever.)
The point of this very boring, very long-winded explanation is that I left early with my friend Molly and we walked home, shoving Ian’s into our mouths while we complained. Molly is two years older than me, but we’re very similar creatures. I won’t go into classless details, but we are the queens of iffy decisions. Our decisions are usually very similar and happen at the same time. In my alcohol-fueled confessional state, I proceeded to give her a speech about why she was so amazing and why I valued her. (If you and I are somewhat close, you’ve gotten one of these speeches before.) Of course she teared up. Probably because it was Valentine’s, not because I’m an oratory genius, but I will pretend it is the latter. Anyway, Molly said something really profound and I can’t stop thinking about it even though it’s the morning after and I’m very sober.
“What I like best about you, Annie, is that you think you’re cynical, but you really believe that good things can happen to you. Everything has potential to make you happy. Every new person could make you fall in love, every new opportunity could be something amazing. You open up to everyone.”
I have never thought of myself this way before, but now I can’t stop thinking about it, because she’s right. Sometimes it comes out a little skewed, but I really see opportunities in everything. There’s nothing I won’t try. Yes, it’s true that the reason I usually do things is for the story, but I really love the fact that when you’re open to new people they can really surprise you.
I definitely get hurt more than I feel safe, but I don’t really care. I have been secure before, and it was nice, but it didn’t work out. I’m still haunted by the people that have hurt me, but I have learned so many lessons. And it hasn’t made me different, at least in a negative way. I still get excited about every new boy that I meet, every new friend that I make. I know that even if it turns to shit, I’ve survived it before, so I can survive it again. I might complain all over social media about being single on Valentine’s Day, but in reality, it’s just the way it is. If I’m single – great. I will keep doing crazy things and learning from them, and that’s improvement. If I fall in love again, that’s fine too. Because that will make me happy in a different way. I don’t care what makes me feel good, as long as it’s productive and I’m better tomorrow than I was today.
After all, “I just wanna feel it all.”