A Reflection On ‘Spring Breakers’ featuring Kimberly Millies

March 27, 2013 § Leave a comment

 I insisted my two best friends and I see Spring Breakers tonight, mostly because I love James Franco. Everything he does is weird and amazing and I can never look away from it. Plus, Selena Gomez and Vanessa Hudgens are trainwrecks and I really wanted to watch them make asses of themselves on camera. 

I got more than I bargained for.

You could even say my life has been changed. Forever.

I really don’t want to spoil this movie for you, because nothing should ruin seeing this first hand. There aren’t words. It’s not good, it’s not bad, it’s Spring Breakers.

But for your reading enjoyment, here are some post-viewing reflections from myself and my heterosexual platonic life partner Kimberly Millies.

It was as if MTV Spring break paired up with ‘The Sopranos’ for a teen melodrama that was aired on PaperView, but the group of friends this movie centralizes around makes no sense. Three crazy drugged out sluts and one youth group Christian, played woodenly by Selena Gomez? To counteract this confusion in the plot, they intersperse shots of the girls hugging a little too closely to be ‘just friends’ approximately every five minutes. Whatever ‘hell’ these girls are living in must be terrible, considering they ‘have to get out of here,’ aka campus, before their world ends, aka they smoke more weed in bikinis at home as opposed to the beach. It’s not surprising at all that they have no problem saddling up to a wannabe rapper/part time drug dealer/full time douchebag, played by Lord Franco, when you see them rob a Chicken Shack with hammers and a water gun to afford this seven day Florida salvation.

Spring Breakers was directed and written by Harmony Korine, the ‘genius’ who brought us Kids in 1995 and then not much else. To prove that it’s not titillating exploitation softcore starring mildly famous people, there’s lots of weird monologues about ‘how beautiful’ life is, when really these dumb skanks are just on spring break in a place that confusingly is not Panama City Beach. You want to pretend you get the artsy undertones, the mood lighting, the repetitive dialogue, but it’s really hard to look for them when you are watching James Franco trying to deep throat two guns that Vanessa Hudgens and Ashley Benson are using as strap-ons.

If you’ve been to LA or New York and thought the guy pushing his ‘fresh mixtape’ on the corner was hard to listen to, you’ll wish you were deaf when Franco starts rapping/modernizing the ‘3 Little Pigs’ to the ‘4 Little Chicks,’ but your longing for a life without hearing will reach new heights when he performs ‘Everytime’ by Britney Spears on the piano as the three girls left dance a gun ballet in monokinis and ski masks around him.

After one of the girls is shot in the arm and departs Florida, like a normal human being concerned with survival, Benson and Hudgens are determined to remain and continue with their useless crime spree, in an attempt to give their life meaning. It’s here that you are treated to the only artful scene in the entire movie. That’s right, a menage-a-trois between Franco, Hudgens, and Benson where you see a lot of legs and thankfully no peen or Hudgens tits. Don’t worry, though, Hudgens successfully fakes a few squealing orgasms from rubbing her feet against Franco in a pool while sucking on his cornrows.

But what this film really is is a PSA about spring break for the next generation, disguised as an attempt to be creative that ends up misleading us from reality. What lessons does Harmony Korine have for us? One: don’t rob anyone to pay for your shitty spring break in St. Pete’s where no one spring breaks anyway, and where you will not see any topless bitches because this isn’t Mexico. Two: Don’t be one of the topless bitches having beer poured into your mouth in a stance that looks like some guy is pissing it into you unless you’re dating R. Kelly. Three: Don’t do blow off anyone’s tits. It doesn’t make it feel any better and who knows how much semen those puppies have seen since exiting the plane or bus. Four: Don’t let anyone bail you out of jail you don’t know. They will want to fuck you and you WON’T want to fuck them, even if they are James Franco, because they probably have a dollar sign tattoo in an exposed place. Five: Don’t kill anyone. No matter what these bitches say, the fact that two scrawny white sluts in bikinis took out seven gangsters in 30 seconds is wildly unbelievable and would never happen, especially in FLORIDA. Six: Always touch up your roots. Exposed roots are so trashy.

You will laugh. You will laugh more. You won’t cry because honestly, these girls are morons, and you won’t feel bad for them at all. Maybe Spring Breakers was a scathing social commentary on declining morality combined with an action comedy, but I thought it was about four annoying girls whining on a beach while James Franco performed the world’s most bizarre stand-up comedy routine. You couldn’t afford to go on spring break? Neither could I, but instead of robbing a chicken restaurant and doing blow off of AK-47s, I stayed home and spent $10 on this shitty movie and then wrote a blog about it.

Despite everything about this movie we will still see it again, and probably purchase it on DVD. The only thing we will regret about this entire experience is not getting to watch Vanessa Hudgens die.


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