A look back

February 10, 2014 § Leave a comment

I started writing this blog in July 2012.

I’m done now.

The past year and a half has been peculiar. I feel like I’ve lived and died a few times, like I’ve become a different person over and over again. I spent July 2013 on a boys-and-booze bender. I spent last winter hibernating. Sometimes I was fiercely independent, other times I was desperate and needy. These memories all feel like different people.

I started this blog because I was mad at a boy, and I had a view of, at the time, what I thought really wanted in a relationship. I hadn’t been alone in years and was very overwhelmed by the idea of taking care of myself. I decided I was ‘Searching for Peter Parker,’ and started exploring that theme. I eventually just ended up writing about what mattered to me.

Today, it no longer feels like the right fit, especially because I’ve realized that I never really wanted a partner. I wanted to be happy, which is something I’ve found in this city and in my travels the past year and a half. It’s something I’ve found in my writing. It’s something I’ve found in my friends. It’s something I’ve found in me. It definitely isn’t something I found in a man, Peter Parker or otherwise.

Part of the fun of getting older (and I know my family will read this and scold me, saying I’m not even that old) is that you get to look back and laugh at the stupid things you’ve said and done and take pleasure in knowing that you now know better. I feel like I can say that today, as I’m reminded of the things I’ve been catty or stupid enough to write down.

I also know that I’ll be saying these things again in another 18 months–it’ll just be about the Ann Marie I was when I was about to graduate from college and didn’t really know what I was going to do. Maybe I’ll be embarrassed about whatever project I’ve finished by then. That’s fine. I’m going to hope, however, that I’ll be thinking those thoughts in New York, or maybe Australia? Maybe a gutter. Who cares.

I’ve always wanted to strive to be the best that I can be everyday, and while I think this is the best chapter of my life so far, I think the next one is going to be even better. I can feel it in my bones.

I don’t know what’s next, but I’m excited about the possibilities.

Thanks for reading me and supporting me on my silly and somewhat inconsistent journeys. I’ve laughed a lot, which is all I’ve ever wanted to do.

Here’s to growing up. Hear, hear.


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